Self Image – Learning to Love Me

Okay. First off, let me say that I have been putting off this blog for quite a while. Why? Because I’m about to open up a whole new door on vulnerability. I’m letting you take a peek at my heart, and show you the ugly in it. That’s terrifying. So, why write it then? It needs to be written. I know that there are men and women all over the world who struggle with this; I’m not alone. So, let’s take a deep breath and talk about my struggle with self image.

The Struggle

For many years I have disliked my own reflection. Now, it’s not every time I look in a mirror. There are days I look at myself and think I look cute, or pretty. However, if I’m being honest, those days are fewer than I would like to admit. Most days I look at myself and see all the things I don’t like about my body. I see the extra fat around my stomach, the puffy dark circles under my eyes. What should I do with my hair this time? My legs are too thick, my arms too flabby. Why can’t I be pretty?

It’s not just my physical appearance either. There are days I question my personality, or the way that I think. Why can’t I get out of certain habits? I know what I have to do, but I don’t do it. Then I try it and see the benefits, and begin to love myself, but quit what I’m doing and then I’m mad at myself for giving up. You loved that workout style, why are you quitting? This meal plan is delicious and I love the food I’m eating, as does my body. Why am I eating only takeout now? The house should really get cleaned, and you love the feeling of a clean house. Stop watching that show. And yet, I continue down the path of unhealthy habits.

Trying to fix me

I try to fix my self image. I look in the mirror and try to convince myself I’m beautiful. The need for others approval drives me. This leads to me trying to get compliments from family and friends on my clothing that I get. I try to lose weight to get noticed. However, they rarely happen. The truth is, I shouldn’t be seeking approval from others. That will not help me love me. I heard this quote that has stuck with me, and I can’t remember who said it. The quote was, “If you can’t accept love from yourself, how can you accept it from anyone else? This results in failed relationships with boyfriends. When I hear compliments, I don’t believe them. Sometimes, I even question them. Why do I only get compliments when I dress up, and not every day? Do I need to get dolled up to be pretty?

The cycle

I know I need to grow in accepting myself. So, I work on taking care of myself. I pick something to work on and make a plan. If the problem is my physical appearance, I will work on taking care of myself with healthy eating, cooking my meals instead of eating out, and picking a workout program to follow. If you’ve been following my blogs, you’ll know that these plans are not working out for me so far. I give up too easily. What’s the point in trying? It won’t work. Other times laziness takes over. Why would I cook supper when I can order from skip the dishes and continue watching random videos on YouTube? Other times I want to grow in maintaining a house, so I aim to clean one thing every day. I feel like I’m growing, accomplishing something, and then start to put it off. I’ll do the dishes later. The laundry can wait till tomorrow.

What needs to happen

First, I need to have grace for myself. I don’t expect anyone to change themselves overnight, so why should I expect that from myself? If my goal is to exercise and eat better, I need to make it less about appearances and more about actually taking care of my body and my health. How does my stomach react with this style of eating, how much do I enjoy the workout I’m doing? Could this actually be sustainable for my life with time and finances?

Secondly, I need to let go of relying on what others think of me. Who cares if no one compliments that new top I got. It’s not important. I do not need their approval to feel good about myself, just like they don’t need mine. I used to date this guy who always had all these expectations on how I would react to certain things, and when I didn’t meet those expectations, he got mad at me. This resulted in my own frustrations because those expectations were unfair to me. Someone pointed out that I was doing the same thing, and I need to drop it. Everyone deserves to be accepted for who they are.

it’s a marathon

I won’t change overnight. Writing this blog will not fix me, and there is no book on how to fix yourself and your self image. Everyone is different and what works for one person, might not work for the next. This isn’t a sprint, but a marathon. There will be highs and lows in my journey of learning to love myself. I’m going to have days where I just want to hide from the world and sulk because I’m not reaching my goals. Then there will be days where I’m patting myself on the back for pushing through that hard workout and now I feel like I can do anything. The main thing for me is to start believing in myself. I need to stop putting things aside, or quitting, because I just expect to fail. When I look in the mirror, I need to remind myself that I am beautiful, just the way I am.

Conclusion

As I wrote this blog, I had moments where I teared up. There were moments where I felt my heart tighten at the thought of putting this blog out for anyone to read. It’s not a secret. I have some close friends who know about my struggle and try to be there for me. It’s the vulnerability, and the struggle that I just talked about. What will others think? So, I hope this blog encourages you. Maybe you’re going through your own journey of learning to love yourself. Don’t give up. You are worthy of being loved. Some of you are going to read this and a friend or family member will come to mind. Remind them of how much they are loved. Ask how you can walk alongside them in this. Yes, this journey is one that we have to face with our own strength, but having others to remind you that you are worthy of love, it really helps in the darker times.

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