It’s Okay to Say “No” – A Mental Health Blog

I will admit, I really struggled with writing this blog. I’m not a therapist. I do not have a degree in psychiatry. I am not someone who is “qualified” to write about mental health. So, why do it then? I just feel, deep down, that this is what I should write about today. Just a disclaimer: these are my own thoughts and ideas. I have not studied this, or read it in a book, but experienced this or heard from other people’s experience. These are my opinions and should not be taken as anything else. So, here it goes.

The Problem

Lately, I have struggled with saying yes all the time. As the one who makes the schedule, I say yes so often when people ask for time off. I say yes to taking on more responsibility. I say yes to friends wanting to hang out. I say yes to paying for things, even when I’m not asked to. I say yes to buying things that I don’t need. Now, is saying yes to all of these things wrong? Absolutely not. So, what’s the problem then? Sometimes I say yes too much.

When is saying yes too much? When my mental health is at risk. Now, as I have said in a past blog, I have not been diagnosed with any mental illness, such as depression or anxiety. So, if I use the terms in this blog that I’m depressed or anxious I’m not talking about the mental illness that so many battle with. I’m talking about the feelings that come and go like any other emotion. I will be addressing what things I have noticed affect my mental health in a negative way, and things I know can improve my mental health.

The Negatives

So, how has saying yes had a negative impact on my mental health? There are two things that I have noticed the most. When I dive into too many activities, and when I take on too much at work. Some years ago, when I started getting involved in ministry, I said yes to everything. Can I volunteer this weekend? Yes. Do you want to join this ministry? Yes. Can you add this to what you already do? Yes. Is volunteering in ministry a bad thing? No! However, we should all know our limits. It took me a few years of taking on way too much to figure this out. I loved what I was doing, but I was doing too much, making an already full schedule too full. I had no time to recharge.

I do the same at work, both at past jobs and present. I see a need and automatically want to fill it. If I saw someone else struggling, I wanted to help them, so I took on more for myself to help lift some of the pressure off of them. Doing that when I have the physical and mental capacity to do it is fine. It’s a good thing. However, when I started saying yes when I was completely exhausted, that’s when the trouble started. I would become stressed out by the smallest thing and lash out at those around me. Now, instead of helping, I was hurting and it cost me some friendships at past jobs. Nobody wants to be around a verbally abusive person.

So, what do I need to do? I need to stop and think if I can actually handle what I’m about to say yes to. Will taking that extra shift cause me to get stressed and lash out? Will saying yes to giving yet another person that day off make me grumpy and anxious about how to make the schedule because too many people want it off? Will taking on that extra responsibility bring me to a state of physical and mental exhaustion? Will subbing for that person in ministry prevent me from attending a church service when I have already missed so many because of work? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, I should say no.

Making time for ministry, friends and family is a good thing. Sometimes, it’s exactly what I need to improve my mental health. An evening with friends filled with laughter and good food is exactly what I need sometimes. Visiting my grandparents or calling my mom, who lives in Alberta, can bring me a lot of joy. However, there are days when I just need to slow down and recharge. So, what helps me take care of my mental health.

The Solution

Spin class, jogging, hiking, and yoga are some of the exercises I enjoy the most. I also know that I have a better day if I stop to take time to read my Bible and do devotions in the morning with a cup of tea and some instrumental worship music playing. Writing is also good for my mental health. It helps me get what’s bouncing around in my head, out. Talking with a mentor, or someone I look up to and respect has also helped. Going on long drives, with no destination in mind, but just listening to music and singing along with it relaxes me when I have had a stressful day. I have my different routes that I take, depending on how much I need to clear my head, and how much gas is in my tank.

What can you do to help your mental health? Find something that calms you, relaxes you, and refreshes you. For some people it’s making something, others love to draw or paint. There are some people who love to listen to music, or play music to help them unwind. Take a bubble bath, listen to a podcast, read a book, go for a walk or a run. Every once in a while, if you can afford it, treat yourself to a massage, manicure or pedicure, or go buy that thing that you’ve had your eye on for a while, or take that vacation you’ve been dreaming of. Don’t go too crazy though, or you could create a new stress. There is no one thing to cure us all.

We are all so different and it’s amazing. Everyone has their own personality, their own mental health journey, and it’s beautiful. Can you imagine if we were all exactly the same, how boring life would be? The beautiful thing about humanity is we are all different, all unique in our own special way. Sometimes we forget that when we are sharing opinions or thoughts. Remember, not everyone thinks the way you do, or acts like you. One thing we can all do for mental health, show kindness. Smile at a stranger, pay for the person behind you in the drive thru, donate to charity, buy a meal for a homeless person, volunteer at the soup kitchen or any other act of kindness. Be kind, be humble, be yourself because you are amazing. Never forget that, and remember, it’s okay to say no.