I’m Trying

I had no idea what to write today. Nothing exciting happened and I’m not finished reading the book that I’m on. Though I do believe I’ll have the book done to review on Saturday. The idea for this blog actually came as I thought about a conversation with my friend last night. I told her how I was feeling and she said it sounded like depression. I’m trying to act like everything is fine, that I’m fine, but it’s cracking.

I’m Trying to Stay Positive

Now, in no way am I saying I have depression. I honestly don’t believe I have it, but that this is just a season where I’m feeling down a lot more than I’m feeling positive. I’m trying to stay positive, really I am. Every day I plant a smile on my face to tell everyone around me that I’m okay. But, if I stop and think about it, I tear up. I’m not fine.

An Inner Turmoil

So, how am I? Well, I’m angry and tired. Those are the two things that come up the most when I think about it. I’m not going to go into detail, but some things at work have really just frustrated me to the point that I’m actually mad. I’m certain that most of it is just me misreading things and I’m trying to see the truth of what it is. But, it’s hard when all I see is my view of the truth. It weighs me down, brings me to tears, and makes me not want to leave my bed.

I’m Trying to Set Goals

As you all know, I’m trying really hard to set goals. Mini goals to keep me going and motivate myself. Sometimes I tell others the goals and sometimes I keep them to myself. If I’m being honest with myself, I am afraid that if I share too much, people will just bring me down. Sometimes I share what I consider a victory, even a small one, and I get reality thrown at me that it’s not much of a victory. But I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to not drown in despair, and when someone makes my victory feel less than, it hurts.

Forging Ahead

Now, let me be clear. Not everyone in my life makes me feel like I’m less than. There are people who are cheering me on, celebrating my small victories with me. These people encourage me, cry with me, get mad with me, sometimes for me. That keeps me going. I’m trying to hold onto what they say to me. Their encouragement and kind words. Some days are harder than others, but I do what I can. I keep trying and that’s all I really can do at the moment. Until something shifts in my life, that’s all I can do. One day at a time.

I’m Not Alone

I know I’m not alone in this. Maybe you’re reading this and nodding and saying that you’re right there too. Or maybe you know someone who is going through a hard time. Perhaps you’ve just come out of this season and you understand. And then there will be those of you who read this and can’t identify with what I’m wrestling with because you’ve never experienced it. Wherever you’re at with your mental health, just know you’re not alone. There are others and if we support each other, encourage each other, we will be okay. Some days will be hard. But if we keep going, the sun always comes out after the storm. And sometimes there’s a painting in the sky to bring extra cheer in the form of a rainbow. We are not alone and will get through this. Anything can happen, if we try.