Forgiveness – A Testimony

Someone asked me about forgiveness the other day. They wanted to be able to let go of hurts from the past because they saw that it was causing problems in their current relationship. First, let me say, that it’s incredible that they were able to recognise that unforgiveness was the cause. So many people I have talked to, or even been in a relationship with, could not see that. It’s not an easy road, but it is definitely worth the journey.

I want to share a bit about the forgiveness journey I went on. I want to share this to hopefully encourage others. This is my testimony, if you will, on how freeing forgiveness can be and how worth it it actually is. So, I hope you like it.

Let’s go back

When I was young my biological dad and my mom got a divorce. She had caught him in a relationship with another woman. From what I remember, they did try to save their marriage and work it out, but his infidelity did not stop, so divorce was their only option. My mom won custody of my two younger sisters and me. He was allowed visitation rights, but only if he paid child support. He never did, so we didn’t see him for many years.

Growing up without a dad was tough. My mom had to try and work while raising three kids on her own. Some uncles tried to step into the role of a father figure, but they were not around enough to really have that father figure role in our lives, and many of them had their own children to be fathers to. Kids at school accused me of being a liar because I said I didn’t have a dad. I grew to hate Father’s day.

Fast forward a few years and now I’m a teenager. I took on the role of second parent in some ways. I got my sisters ready for school, made sure they made it to the bus stop in time, made lunches and babysat while my mom was at work. One day my mom came home and told us that our dad was back and wanted to be a part of our lives again. I remember being so scared because I thought he was going to try and take us away from our mom. Instead, he wanted to try and be a part of the family again. He moved in, started acting like he was our dad, and it wasn’t so scary anymore. However, anyone who knows teenagers knows that it isn’t that easy.

A family again?

Looking back, I’m certain it was bitterness that I held against him for leaving in the first place, but I tried to keep my distance, physically and emotionally from him. He finally sat me down one day, my mom at his side. Looking me in the eyes he told me that he would never leave us again and that was a promise. A few weeks later he moved out. I remember all this anger built up inside me. He lied. He told us that he was staying with a friend while he and my mom worked out some issues. A few days later my mom woke me up and told me that she had caught him with another woman, and she had kids.

Angry teenage Stephanie turned into a hateful teenage Stephanie. I was furious with him, not to mention hurt. He wanted another woman and her kids more than my mom, my sisters, and me. I started swearing around that time, especially to him. The anger and hate I felt towards him built up to a point where I told him to stay away from us or I was going to kill him. He stayed away.

The scars

I didn’t have many boyfriends in high school. I dated one guy, saw him talking to another girl, and dumped him immediately. My mindset was that men could not be trusted. During high school my anger turned towards my mom and we would constantly fight. It drove me towards depression and I thought about taking my life. Standing at a crosswalk one day, I nearly did. I saw a semi truck coming and told myself over and over that only one more step and it would all be over. What stopped me? A friend of mine had just lost her dad to suicide recently and I was on my way to meet her. There was no way I could hurt her like that. I took a step back.

After high school I dated a few other guys, but none of the relationships lasted more than a month. I didn’t trust them and didn’t see the point of being in a relationship with a guy I didn’t care about. As time went by I found myself wanting to get married and start a family of my own, but I was terrible in the dating game, so this dream was just that, a dream.

God steps in

In February of 2009 I got hit by a car while crossing the street. I fell into another depression as I was living on my own, in a basement, had no cell phone because I couldn’t pay my bill and began to again wish that I was dead. I fought with family who did try to help and I was ungrateful for what they did for me.

However, I had a friend who wasn’t ready to give up on me. She started to invite me to church when I was healed enough to start walking again. She would ask me, I would say no, and she would drop it until the next week. Every week for a month she asked. Finally I said yes. I started going to church with her regularly and in September of 2009 I gave my life to Christ. In June of 2010 I got baptised.

Now you’re probably wondering, what does this have to do with forgiveness? Everything. After I became a Christian I was convicted of unforgiveness towards my biological dad. I decided that if I said I forgave him that was enough. It wasn’t. I still got angry every time someone mentioned him. So, I would say it again and again. One day I was tested and he came back into my life and wanted to have lunch with me and one of my sisters (my mom and other sister were living in Alberta). I decided to say yes to prove that I had forgiven him. Lunch was fine, I didn’t threaten to kill him, but I was still angry.

Consequences and healing

Months went by, and then years. Slowly I was able to heal and let go of my anger towards him. I prayed with friends, went to retreats where I worked on inner healing, and I finally came to a place where I was not angry anymore. It felt like a huge weight had lifted. A few years later I found out his mom was dying. I went to the hospital to visit her, say my goodbyes and to try and be there for him. I gave him a hug for the first time in years. When his mom passed, I went to the funeral. I’m sorry to say that my anger towards him caused me to push his family away. I didn’t really know her. Now I never will.

Today I still do not have a relationship with him, which is perfectly fine. Forgiveness does not mean I have to call him dad and have him in my life. To be honest, there are still times when some hurt does show up again. It comes out when I’m dating and I feel myself pulling back. I still have some work to do, but I have come so far and I can tell you that I would not be where I am today if I was still holding on to all that anger and bitterness. It really is not worth holding onto. Let it go before it’s too late. And you do not have to do it alone. If you go to church, talk with your pastor, or someone you look up to. Not a Christian? Go see a therapist to work through it. Life is so much better, relationships are healthier, and you are freer when you forgive.

So, that’s my story. I hope it encourages you to forgive others and let go of any anger you’re feeling. Some people will take longer to forgive than others, but trust me, when you experience that freedom, that lightness of not holding onto bitterness and hurt, it truly is life changing.